QI, Series One [A]

[On the subject of Adam and Eve]

Stephen Fry:
But perhaps, you know, we should believe in Adam and Eve. Geneticists have established that every woman in the world shares a single female ancestor who lived a hundred and fifty thousand years ago. Scientists actually call her "Eve", and every man shares a single male ancestor called "Adam". It's also been established, however, that Adam was born eighty thousand years after Eve. So the world before him was one of heavy to industrial-strength lesbianism, one assumes.

[After a question concerning Burmese etiquette]

Stephen Fry:
While double-checking this … on the Internet, we came up with the extraordinary information that it's considered polite to express joy by eating snow and to send unwanted guests away by biting their leg, and normal behaviour to wipe your mouth on the sofa. This is actually true, the researchers were writing this down with great excitement about Burma, only to discover in the end that Burma turned out to be the name of a poodle belonging to the author of the website.

Stephen Fry:
Where is ninety percent of the universe? Jeremy?

Jeremy Hardy:
Ikea.

Jeremy Hardy:
You're basing all this on what Stephen Hawking says, and the fact is, he's subject to interference from minicabs.

[About Cruithne, assumed to be Earth's second moon]

Rich Hall:
Who comes up with this shit? So you're telling me there's a second moon?

Stephen Fry:
There... I am!

Jeremy Hardy:
"Blue moon, I saw you standing alone". Not "with a small friend".

Rich Hall:
So why is there, uh... why is there not one romantic song with the word "Cruithne" in it? Why not "Blue Cruithne of Kentucky", or "Cruithne River", or--

Alan Davies:
No one can see it--

Stephen Fry:
BECAUSE IT WAS DISCOVERED IN NINETEEN-NINETY-FUCKING-FOUR!

Rich Hall:
9 years! 9 years to write a romantic song with the word 'Cruithne' in it.

Stephen Fry:
In the last 9 years, no romantic songs, as far as I know, have been written at all. Have they?

Alan Davies:
Bryan Adams wrote one.

Stephen Fry:
Oh, please!

Bill Bailey:
'Everything I Do, I Do It For Cruithne'?

Alan Davies:
Pluto and Bangkok don't exist. I'm scared to go out.

Stephen Fry:
Holmes was retired by this point, and was keeping bees on the Sussex Downs.

Alan Davies:
Against their will?

Stephen Fry:
What begins with A, has six Cs, and no Bs?

Clive Anderson:
Is it the Welsh alphabet?

Stephen Fry:
What is the most boring place in Britain?

Jo Brand:
Is it the Big Brother House?

Alan Davies:
Charlton Heston played Michelangelo?

Stephen Fry:
Yes, you know, and-

Alan Davies:
The effete Italian homosexual?

Stephen Fry:
Yes, that's the one, he was not effete-

Alan Davies:
Played by the president of the gun club?

Stephen Fry:
He was an athletic Italian homosexual-

Alan Davies:
I thought he was a wussy one!

Stephen Fry:
He may well have preferred man-on-man action, that doesn't mean he was Julian Clary! He was butch, like me!

Stephen Fry:
Welcome to QI, the closest modern equivalent to Lions versus Christians.

Stephen Fry:
How do otters kill crocodiles?

Rob Brydon:
Softly with their songs.

[Danny Baker has related a theory that states if a person can lick their own elbow, then they will be immortal.]

Stephen Fry:
But isn't that how socialism was invented, that someone said, "Come, let us lick each other's elbows"?

Danny Baker:
The fourth largest navy in the world, if one goes by boats alone? Disney. Disney has the fourth largest flotilla in the world.

Stephen Fry:
Good God. They'll be making films next!

Jackie Clune:
I have an Australian girlfriend who has two vaginas. She went to have a smear test and the doctor said, "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. You've got some precancerous cells, but they're only in one of your vaginas." She says, "Oh, I've been saving the other one for that special man."

Jackie Clune:
It is actually possible for the ball sack to be stretched beyond recognition.

Jimmy Carr:
By a woman scorned?

[Randomly, during a question as to whether banana plants are trees]

Sean Lock:
They walk.

Stephen Fry:
I'm sorry?

Sean Lock:
Banana plants, whatever they're called, walk.

Stephen Fry:
Nurse, nurse, he's out of bed again.

Sean Lock:
...they do, they walk. I travelled to Colombia and went to a banana plantation and I was admiring this banana tree said "hold on a minute, what about this patch next to the tree and the man said "the banana trees they walk".

Stephen Fry:
The intelligent voices in my head tell me you're absolutely right Sean, they do walk! They walk up to 40 centimetres in a lifetime.

Stephen Fry:
If a lion mates with a tiger, you get a …?

Alan Davies:
Scandal.

Jo Brand:
Can I just say something that's very strange? Because there's some German chewing gum called Spunk, and, um, you do have to be careful you don't swallow it-but in fact, I actually talked about that chewing gum on Clive James's show with you [pointing at Stephen] and Princess Diana! Do you remember? Seriously!

Alan Davies:
[wearily] That was a dream. You've got to sort these out.

Stephen Fry:
Who are the Lords of Shouting?

Jo Brand, Alan Davies:
[hitting their buzzers] WE ARE!

Stephen Fry:
How do hedgehogs make love?

Alan Davies:
Carefully!

[The klaxon goes off.]

Stephen Fry:
What's long and pink and hard in the morning? Answer - The Financial Times crossword.

[Discussing the airport luggage codes that would cause you to have MAD BAD FAT SAD OLD GIT on your suitcase]

Stephen Fry:
… which means they would in fact have recently visited Madrid, which is "MAD" … Bossy-er City, Louisiana …

Rich Hall:
Oh!

Stephen Fry:
… which is "BAD"-you're from Louisiana, aren't you?

Rich Hall:
It's called Bossier City. [He pronounces it "Bojer".]

Stephen Fry:
Bossier! I beg its appallingly insignificant pardon.

Peter Serafinowicz:
I never saw American History X, because I didn't see any of the first nine.

Stephen Fry:
There's a little bit of Alan in me. Is there any Alan in you?

Rich Hall:
No. No.

Alan Davies:
Do you want some?

[Discussing the possibility of receiving xenotransplanted organs from pigs]

Linda Smith:
Now what are the chances of a reckless young pig, goes out and gets killed in a motorcycle accident? They probably don't even carry donor cards!

Stephen Fry:
It's in the Bible …

Alan Davies:
I haven't read it!

Stephen Fry:
You should-it's hilarious.

Stephen Fry:
What, or which, is the largest living thing on earth?

Alan Davies:
It is the blue whale.

[The klaxon goes off.]

Stephen Fry:
I'll give you an extra two points if you can tell me the longest fence in the world.

Phill Jupitus:
The Great Fence of China!

Alan Davies:
It's to keep people off the Great Wall.

[When asked which was the odd one out from London, Paris, Poland and Banana, all places on Christmas Island …]

Stephen Fry:
The answer is that none of them are the odd one out.

Phill Jupitus:
What kind of hellish quiz is this? "Which one's the odd one out? None of them! Bahahaaa! Bahahaaa! …"

Stephen Fry:
Is that meant to be me? [Phill was impersonating Stephen's braying laugh in his role in Blackadder Goes Forth as General Melchett.]

Phill Jupitus:
That's you!

Stephen Fry:
Oh, bugger you! I don't sound like that-bahahaaa, bahahaaa …

Stephen Fry:
Now, why... Hugh?

Hugh Laurie:
Yes?

Stephen Fry:
Why does the actor Edward Woodward have 4 Ds in his name?

[There’s a long pause until John Sessions hits his buzzer.]

Hugh Laurie:
Well... No! What are you doing?

John Sessions:
I'm sorry!

Hugh Laurie:
What are you doing?

Hugh Laurie:
He can’t do that!

John Sessions:
I'm sorry. It was a spasm.

John Sessions:
I’ll put it out. Just carry on.

Alan Davies:
Did you know, this is quite interesting...

Stephen Fry:
Yes, good. That’s what we’re here for.

Alan Davies:
Did you know, kiwi fruit uses more than its own weight in aviation fuel to get from New Zealand to Europe?

Stephen Fry:
Another 5 points. It sounds mad, but is of course true. Absolutely.

Alan Davies:
And regarding the Edward Woodward...

Stephen Fry:
Yes?

Alan Davies:
That’s how you spell it!

Stephen Fry:
Oh, no, let Hugh... Poor Hugh.

Hugh Laurie:
No really, that’s fine. I was gonna say exactly that. It’s got that many Ds in it, cos that’s his name! If you took the Ds out, it would be a different name.

Alan Davies:
Ewar Woowar!

Hugh Laurie:
Ewar Woowar.

Stephen Fry:
Exactly. It would be Ewar Woowar. It’s a sort of structural device, like a joist, which stops his name collapsing into the sort of spongey mass of Ewar Woowar.

Stephen Fry:
What would you do with a pencil and a lesser anteater?

Alan Davies:
Oh, hours of fun.

Alan Davies:
I nearly injured myself the other day.

Stephen Fry:
Oh yes?

Alan Davies:
I was standing...

Stephen Fry:
This is a not quite interesting?

Alan Davies:
I was standing at the urinal and it was so high I had to stand on tip toe, and I nearly pulled a muscle in the hamstring area. It must have been a really really lanky plumber who put it up.

Stephen Fry:
It must have been.

Bill Bailey:
You were in a giant’s toilet.

Alan Davies:
Stumbled into a giant's loo.

Jeremy Hardy:
Might have been a fountain.

Bill Bailey:
It was a font in a church.

Alan Davies:
It was outdoors... [Realising what Bill said.] I was not weeing in a font! I resent that.

Bill Bailey:
I baptise you... oh, stop that. Distguting.

Stephen Fry:
How many moons does the earth have?

Alan Davies:
It has... [He gets distracted for a moment by his buzzer, which is now a chicken.]

Stephen Fry:
Yeah?

Alan Davies:
The earth has one moon which is made of cheese.

Stephen Fry:
Ooohhh.

[The klaxon sounds.]

Stephen Fry:
So you lose 10.

Alan Davies:
But it does have one moon!

Stephen Fry:
No.

Alan Davies:
It’s called ‘The Moon’! I rest my case.

Stephen Fry:
How many planets are there in the solar system?

Alan Davies:
Nine.

[The klaxon goes off.]

Stephen Fry:
Oh, sorry. Not again. [He holds up the ‘nine’ card.] Nine. Not the right answer, another forfeit of 10, I’m afraid. I’m afraid the answer is actually eight.

Alan Davies:
I’m gonna write them down. You carry on.

Stephen Fry:
Alright. Okay.

Alan Davies:
Mars.

Stephen Fry:
Yes, Mars is one.

Alan Davies:
Pluto.

Stephen Fry:
No.

[Alan stops writing and looks up at Stephen.]

Rich Hall:
Here we go again.

Alan Davies:
Pluto is a planet! It was discovered in the 1930s. It was the most recent planet to be discovered.

Stephen Fry:
It was discovered by Clive Tombaugh in 1930 exactly, yes.

Bill Bailey:
It’s a collection of gasses, it’s not actually...

Stephen Fry:
It’s not a planet. By no criterion by which planets are judged could Pluto be said...

Alan Davies:
It’s really, really big and it goes around the sun!

Stephen Fry:
Yes, but it’s not really that big at all. It’s tiny.

Alan Davies:
Well, that’s why it took so long to find! Don’t be hard on it cos it’s small!

Alan Davies:
Is gay whispers like Chinese whispers

Stephen Fry:
Much more fun, I assure you, much more fun.

Alan Davies:
I’ve got that in my pond, I get rid of it.

Stephen Fry:
No. Think about how many people you kill by doing that. You might just as well go around with a pillow and just clamp them to old lady’s faces. You bastard.

Stephen Fry:
And Alan goes...

[Alan hits his buzzer, and the klaxon goes off, flashing ‘hopeless’ behind him.]

Stephen Fry:
Minus 10 to Alan already before we’ve even begun our first round.

Alan Davies:
How do you spell ribbit? Oh, like that.

Stephen Fry:
That’s apparently how you spell it.

Alan Davies:
No, that’s rabbit in New Zealand.

Stephen Fry:
You could call the American Indians, or Native Americans, you could call them Aboriginals if you wanted.

Alan Davies:
You could. But it’s more fun to call them redskins.

Stephen Fry:
Yes. I wouldn’t try it though, in America.

Alan Davies:
No.

Stephen Fry:
You’d have your balls turned into a small purse.

Alan Davies:
A very big purse, I think you’ll find.

Stephen Fry:
What am I thinking?

Alan Davies:
I’ll have my balls turned into a rucksack.

Alan Davies:
I know that the stingray sucks food up from the sea bed.

Stephen Fry:
Yeah, it’s more of a fish than an insect.

Alan Davies:
It can locate and suck up food from a foot below the surface of the sea bed.

Stephen Fry:
It’s what we in the gay community call a bottom feeder.

Alan Davies:
Can I be in the gay community?

Stephen Fry:
Oh, very well.

Alan Davies:
Can I be an arthropod and in the gay community?

Stephen Fry:
It’s a specialist area, but I’m sure there are many websites devoted to it.

Alan Davies:
The gay arthropods.

Stephen Fry:
The gay arthropods.

Stephen Fry:
You should read the books.

Alan Davies:
I don’t have time to read the books. I haven’t read all yours yet.

Stephen Fry:
It’s full of interesting stuff. For instance, Bond has these strange ideas, he has this idea that homosexuals can’t whistle, for example.

Alan Davies:
Its cos they’ve got cock in their mouth.

[Stephen drops his head to the desk.]

Stephen Fry:
I want you to go and stand in the corner.

Jeremy Hardy:
Thatcher's grave is going to be a permanent urinal to all decent people, isn't it?

Alan Davies:
An old lady gave me a Kit Kat recently, and it tasted exactly like old lady’s cupboards. And I looked on the sell by date and it was 1998.

Stephen Fry:
Oh, bless.

Dave Gorman:
Are you using the phrase ‘old lady’s cupboards’ in any kind of euphemistic sense?

Alan Davies:
I had an ants nest in my flat once.

Stephen Fry:
Did you? What did you do?

Alan Davies:
Well, I was fairly stupid about it, because I saw an ant, I thought ‘there’s an ant in the flat’. And the next day I saw an ant and I thought ‘oh, there he is.’

Stephen Fry:
It’s the same one?

Alan Davies:
And this went on for a couple of weeks, and then one day I moved the telephone table, there’s loads of them there. They went, [gasps]. Hoovered them. Hoovered the lot of them.

Stephen Fry:
No.

Stephen Fry:
There's a village in Nuremburg whose name means "eavesdropper" in German. Now, what did this village provide the whole world with for almost 100 consecutive Christmases?

Sean Lock:
War criminals.

Stephen Fry:
Oh, dear.

Sean Lock:
[starts revolving his arm as though roasting on a spit] You know, the old tradition of roasting a war criminal.... With a glass of sherry... "Cheers, Mr Pumblechook!"

Stephen Fry:
God in Heaven! Oh, Lord.

Sean Lock:
Compliments of the season!

Stephen Fry:
Did they...

Sean Lock:
[German accent] "I was obeying orders!" [continues roasting on the spit while drinking deeply from a glass of sherry]

Stephen Fry:
Which was the second species of animal for humans to domesticate after the dog?

Alan Davies:
A cat.

Stephen Fry:
No.

Alan Davies:
Prove it!